What is a Narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who has a pervasive pattern of grandiosity. They have a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Understand that it is rare for someone with these traits to seek treatment. Also understand that labels like Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline are just that, labels. Just because someone hasn’t been diagnosed with a disorder, it doesn’t mean they don’t have the personality traits. Later we will explore the different narcissistic family roles. Here are some key characteristics and behaviors associated with narcissism:
Grandiosity
Narcissists often have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. They may fantasize about their own success, brilliance, beauty, or power. They also expect recognition as being superior without commensurate achievements. It is important to understand that grandiosity and the other traits listed below may not always be easy to see. Narcissists and other emotionally immature individuals may be more covert in how they express themselves, as they are more self-aware. Grandiosity is often the result of being ignored or belittled as a child.
Need for Admiration
The emotionally immature crave constant admiration and validation from others. They seek attention and approval and may become upset when not receiving special treatment or admiration. This often has to do with the fact that they themselves did not receive enough admiration from their own parents.
Lack of Empathy
A hallmark trait of narcissism is a lack of empathy for others. They are often unable or unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. Their relationships are typically superficial and transactional, serving to fulfill their own needs rather than being mutually supportive. Their own parents were not able to emphathize with them. As a result, they themselves are not able to empathize with the child they once were.
Sense of Entitlement
Narcissists often have a sense of entitlement, believing they deserve special treatment and privileges that others do not. They may exploit others to achieve their own goals and disregard the feelings or rights of others in the process.
Manipulative Behavior
One of the more violating behaviors of emotionally mature is manuippulation in order to maintain control over others and get what they want. This can include gaslighting (manipulating someone into doubting their own reality), emotional manipulation, or using others as tools to achieve their own agenda.
Resistance to Criticism
Fragile self-esteem when criticised is another trait that exposes the lack of confidence that a narcissistic individual has. While a narcissist may act confident and sure of him or herself, they feel wounded by criticism or perceived slights. They may react defensively or with rage when criticized, viewing any criticism as a personal attack on their superiority.
Shallow Relationships
Relationships with narcissists tend to be shallow and one-sided. They may use others for their own needs (such as admiration or resources) without genuine emotional reciprocity.
About the Narcissistic Family Roles
In a narcissistic family system, several roles, notably the golden child, the scapegoat and the lost child, among others, tend to emerge among the children. In a narcissistic family system, each serving a specific purpose within the dysfunctional dynamics orchestrated by the narcissistic parent(s). These different roles are not necessarily fixed, and one child may not always fit into one role. In unhealthy families where there is only one child, the child may take on multiple roles.
The Golden Child (or Hero)
This child is often the favored one in the family and is typically the oldest, but can be a younger sibling. Their parents give them positive attention, praise, and validation. The Golden Child is expected to uphold the family’s image and often feels pressured to excel in various areas to maintain their status.They may be shielded from criticism and consequences that other siblings face. This child is often acts as an enabler and may be close to the unhealthy parent(s) through adulthood.
The Scapegoat (or Rebel)
The Scapegoat is the opposite of the Golden Child. The second child usually has this role. They often receive disproportionate blame, criticism, and punishment.The parent(s) blame this child for problems or failures. The child serves as a convenient target for the narcissistic parent(s) to deflect their own issues.Scapegoats may act out or rebel against the family’s dysfunction as a way of coping with their mistreatment. It is more common for a Scapegoat to break away from their parents in adulthood.
The Lost Child (or Invisible Child)
The parents overlook and ignore the third child, the lost child. They may become emotionally withdrawn, quiet, and avoidant. As late arrivals, these children can see the disfunction of the family system and may pull away. Their parents are too consumed with the older siblings to pay much attention to them. They often learn to fend for themselves and become self-sufficient because they don’t receive much attention or support from the narcissistic parent(s).Lost Children may feel invisible and struggle with forming close relationships due to their early experiences of neglect.
The Mascot (or Clown)
The Mascot uses humor, antics, or charm to divert attention away from the family’s dysfunction.They may act as a source of comic relief or try to lighten the mood in tense situations within the family.Mascots often hide their own pain and emotions behind a facade of humor or playfulness.
The Caretaker (or Enabler)
This role is often taken on by one of the children or occasionally by a parent who supports the narcissistic parent(s) and enables their behavior.Caretakers may try to mediate conflicts, placate the narcissistic parent(s), or take on responsibilities beyond their age or capability to maintain peace in the family.They may suppress their own needs and emotions to prioritize the needs of others, often at their own expense.
Why Does a Narcissist Assign Roles?
Narcissists and other unhealthy parents tend to assign roles to their children within the family for several reasons, all of which serve to maintain their own sense of control, superiority, and emotional satisfaction. Narcissists and other emotionally immature parents were emotionally stunted as children by their parents who were themselves very unhealthy.
A narcissist will look to their children to provide what their own parents could not give them, unconditional love. In fact the role of the parent is to provide uncondional love to their children, meeting all of their needs, but for the child of a narcissist, the reality is the opposite. In a family with an unhealthy parent, it is the job of the child to meet the needs of the parent.
Divide and Conquer
By assigning roles, narcissistic parents can create divisions among their children. This can prevent unity among siblings, ensuring that they compete for the narcissistic parent’s favor and attention rather than forming alliances against the parent’s control.
Control and Manipulation
Assigning roles allows the narcissistic parent to control how their children perceive themselves and each other. By creating specific roles (e.g., Golden Child, Scapegoat, Lost Child), the narcissist can manipulate dynamics and maintain a hierarchy that serves their own needs and desires.
Projection of Idealization and Blame
The Golden Child role allows the narcissistic parent to project an idealized version of themselves onto that child. They see the Golden Child as an extension of themselves and may use them to bolster their own self-esteem and reputation.
Scapegoating and Deflection
Conversely, the Scapegoat role serves as a receptacle for the narcissistic parent’s negative emotions, failures, and flaws. The scapegoat becomes the target for blame and criticism, allowing the narcissist to deflect responsibility for their own shortcomings onto someone else.
Need for Narcissistic Supply
Each role serves to fulfill a specific need of the narcissistic parent for narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, validation). The roles ensure that the parent receives the emotional responses they crave from their children, whether it’s admiration from the Golden Child or attention through drama and conflict involving the Scapegoat.
Control and Manipulation
Maintaining Control and Order: Assigning roles helps the narcissistic parent maintain a sense of order and predictability within the family dynamics. They can manipulate situations and relationships more easily when everyone has a designated role that they are expected to fulfill.
Overall, the assigning of roles by a narcissistic parent is a deliberate strategy to maintain power and control over their children and the family environment. It reinforces the narcissist’s worldview where they are central and their children exist primarily to serve their emotional needs and desires.
Breaking Free From One’s Role
With sufficient self-improvement, we can break out of these roles and unhealthy behavior patterns. These roles are not us. Rather, they are the false self we use to fit into the unhealthy family system. In this blog, we explore how to do this.